Casual sex can be of a dubious standard and sometimes one night stands can just make you feel a bit shit. There is an alternative: what has been termed in popular culture ‘the fuck buddy’ or ‘friends with benefits’. But whatever you do in this area, ladies, know that it’s a fucking minefield, pun fully-intended. Having sex with the same person repeatedly in too short a space of time and with enough orgasms may well lead you into the danger zone of believing you’re falling in love with a really unsuitable man/boy who has written you off as ever being relationship material. So here are my top tips for not being a twat whilst casually-sexing.

  • 1. Firstly, ensure that your partner of choice has nothing in common with you and that you struggle to maintain even a conversation that is neither engaging nor capable of enduring. Because…

  • 2. There should be no emotional connection between you and sex friend. Never ever have casual sex with someone you really like but doesn’t feel the same, unless you are an emotional masochist. This is based on the same principle as why polyamorous relationships are a load of shit (one person is compromising while the other keeps their options open). It’s better to think very little of him.

  • 3. For this reason, it’s better if you don’t find his face hugely attractive. I recommend choosing a man with a sexy bod who can bounce you around the bed a bit but who also has some kind of weird mismatched features or odd head thing going on so that at times you wish you had a bag.

  • 4. During your ‘meetings’, keep kissing minimal and never slow nor soft. Absolutely no hugging, no spooning, nothing that can be construed as affection, get it? This is just about sex.

  • 5. If you’re going to stay after the act, I reiterate, do not attempt to spoon. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SPOON. This is not and never will be your boyfriend, if you want a hug, ask a friend. If you’re going to sleep there, it’s separate. Do not ask if you can be the little spoon for just five brief minutes because sometimes it feels like you’re dead inside and that no one could ever love the disparate shards of your blackened soul and you just need someone to hold you…

  • 6. Make sure the sex is as dirty as possible so that you can’t actually look him in the face after the act. See this as a fun opportunity to try out new things without embarrassment!

  • 7. Or, just avoid eye contact during the act. As in make it a physical impossiblity. No gentle missionary face to face. Remember, dirty is your buzzword.

  • 8. Don’t do it too often. This agreement should be like an emergency treaty called in only when you are sexually frustrated and need some healing. If you abuse it, it’s possible that the ensuing hormonal influx will start to make you believe crazy things, like maybe, you know, opposites attract and he was so sweet when you had that conversation about your favourite supermarket… NONONO he is only there to bang you against the headboard and leave you spent and wilting in a puddle of spunk. The connection between your vag and his throbbing member should be the only one occurring.
  • 9. Make up a hilarious nickname or code in order to refer to your bang buddy in shorthand to your lady friends. Like maybe if he’s Basque, you could say ‘had a visit to Bilbao again recently’. That one’s a bit shit, so invent something more entertaining if you want to keep your friends interested in your bang buddy saga.

  • 10. If, however, you do want to keep your bang buddy saga a secret from your friends, don’t choose one who lives with another friend and then wander into their room at 5 am wearing only tights and a bra because you were so pissed you were unable to remember which of two doors you had just exited. Finally, if things turn sinister and it’s not fun anymore, abort mission before you go back to torturing yourself over the Madonna/Whore dichotomy (who cares if you’re not the Madonna, she didn’t have as many fun sexy times as you). One reason for this might be you’ve found out about a similarly loose agreement he has with other friends, which kind of makes you feel a bit weird as though you’ve unwittingly been part of some closet orgy and not the independent modern person living an independent modern lifestyle after all.

Enjoy, gals, enjoy!