20.1 – 18.2
Acuario
You will feel really good about yourself this month when you run into your high school crush and see that they are fat, smelly, and have five kids.
19.2 – 20.3
Piscis
Happy birthday! This time, try to drink your first whisky after 10 a.m.
21.3 – 19.4
Aries
Aries, you are a fire sign. Will you please stop complaining for once? We’re tired of it. Lucky numbers: luck doesn’t exist, get the fuck over it.
20.4 – 20.5
Tauro
This Semana Santa consider going to Murcia. It’s a great place to visit, especially if you’re a racist. You’ll feel right at home.
21.5 – 20.6
Geminis
After a long night drinking, you will pass out on the train and end up in Mollet. There, while eating a croissant and coffee to get rid of your hangover, you will meet the love of your life. You will have a bunch of kids and they will all grow up in Mollet. So think before you drink.
21.6 – 22.7
Cáncer
You will lose your phone this month. Consequently, you will spend less time sitting on the toilet, and your hemorrhoids will finally go away.
23.7 – 22.8
Leo
Getting shit on by a pigeon is good luck in some places, but shitting on pigeons is just inappropriate, so please don’t do it again.
23.8 – 22.9
Virgo
Finally, you-know-who will say you-know-what to you, and then you will do that thing together and something will happen.
23.9 – 22.10
Libra
Just because 365 is a step above Granier doesn’t mean that it makes for a good first date. But if you think otherwise, meet me at the one on Avenida Paral.lel, Friday at 8pm.
23.10 – 21.11
Escorpio
One of your Insta posts will go viral this month, for all the wrong reasons. Keep your phone away from your roommates.
22.11 – 21.12
Sagitario
Your parents will finally tell you the real story of your conception. It involves two bottles of wine, a nice hotel room, and a used condom found in the garbage.
22.12 – 19.1
Capricornio
One is the loneliest number, but the complete and utter emptiness of the conversations you have with your friends will entice you to spend more time alone this month. Enjoy.
